My god sucked. And not the good kind of suck. The painful kind of suck. We're not talking a

Dracula 3000

level of horribleness, but it was pretty god damn fucking bad.

And I watched it. All if it. Even when it threatened to give me an anurism I kept on watching it. While sitting in my couch I felt like I was playing a Japanese punishment game.

The acting was terrible--worse than High School play terrible. The alien spaceship was rendered without any textures at all. A giant banana smoothie floating in space. The laser bolts flew out of characters hands rather than their guns.

And the one-liners. Oh my god, the one liners.

What was that?
Your tax dollars at work.

So these aliens have this disease that apparently glues strands of undeveloped film to their chests. It's killing them. So, like any sufficiently advanced species, they take the only course of action open to them:

Find a one-way wormhole to earth so their species can bathe in the blood of nine million humans.

In the first three minutes of the movie we're treated with a disjointed summary of a movie far more interesting than this one. The aliens, or Kulkans (who are basically humans with white eyebrows), attack earth, wipe out several major cities, and cause some French guys to cry. They then demand earth turn over nine million people to be drained of blood to cure their disease. Earth agrees, because apparently they only had one F14 fighter and the single missile it fired at the alien ship wasn't enough to destroy it.

The quota of sacrifices is divided up among the nations, with most simply turning over their prisoners. The US decides on a lottery system, however, that can only pick one person at a time. Rather than picking all our share at once, it picks one, the military captures him, then it picks another, and so on. Due to this ridiculous process the US is terribly behind meeting their quota.

Enter the main characters--some blond bitch and her retarded but buff scientist father. In his first appearance he proves he's not capable of acting forcefully or solemnly. Speaking in hushed tones with shifty eyes he informs his daughter they need to take off. Now. Apparently she'd been chosen as one of the sacrifices.

Cut screen to an entirely pointless scene about how the sacrifices' blood is extracted. Worse yet, we're forced to endure a discussion about how the Kulkans test the blood first. (In case you're interested, then drain the person of their blood, then put it back into them. If they live, the test succeeded and they drain their blood again for their medicine. If they die, they take the blood and use it for their medicine).

Luckily, the one-way wormhole that can't transport biological entities back to their home world can transport blood. Several Kulkans comment on how lucky this is.

So this guy's daughter gets captured by the military and he embarks on a quest to rescue her. He joins forces with a resistance movement, then suddenly remembers he'd been one of the main researchers on technology the Kulkans left behind on Earth fifty years ago. Yes, yet another movie played the Area 51 card.

He returns to his laboratory with a former intern to grab his research. The place is overrun with Kulkan, but the two manage to sneak into his office. His former intern is supposed to play the naive, wide-eyed youth. Except he isn't young, isn't wide-eyed and isn't naive so much as he is retarded. Most of his lines revolve around him doubting the buff scientist protagonist in some way.

For example, when the protagonist sees his office is a mess and says, "Don't worry, I hide some of my work," then grabs a chair and starts fiddling with an overhead light panel, his brilliant former intern remarks:

"Doctor, what are you doing?! This is no time to be changing the lights!"

They find what they're looking for--small green-glowing rocks and what looks like a kid's science project constructed from plastic tubes--when the Kulkans become aware of their presence. Luckily, the Kulkans stationed on earth don't believe in body armor and instead dress almost exactly like Mormon missionaries: black slacks and a white shirt. They have powerful laser weapons but can't hit their targets at any range further than one or two feet.

The resistance kills several of them, but for some reason don't bother taking their uber future weapons.

It's at this point in the movie we realize our protagonist is a complete failure of a scientist. He'd been working on building a reverse-engineered communications dish when he suddenly realized he wasn't building a communications dish at all! It was a weapon! Apparently when rifles lose their power source they turn into cell phones.

Meanwhile his daughter has been tested and her blood is super duper potent. She alone is worth several hundred thousand ordinary humans, however in order for her blood to work she must be transported alive to the Kulkan home world for some reason. This won't work, because the wormhole can only send blood, not humans.

The US still hasn't met their quota and the Kulkans are running out of time--soon the wormhole thing they're using to send blood back to their people will close. Suddenly one of the Kulkans remember that the wormhole can transport a human, but only if they blow up the earth to do so.

The captain of the Kulkans thinks this is the best idea. His crew agrees. For some reason at this point the captain decides to take a gardening pick and kill his entire crew. No reason is given.

Our protagonist has an epiphany and realizes that all earth communication dishes are actually giant weapons! He sets off to find a giant telescope that can be used to destroy the Kulkan ship in orbit. But first he must hitch a ride up to said ship to rescue his daughter.

Will he succeed? Will the ship be destroyed? Will he utter even more ridiculous one-liners?

Yes, yes and yes.